“Be like a tree… Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Both are necessary for life.” -Rumi
My beloved grandmother, Pattima, died in the first week of December over a decade ago and my family’s hearts were broken as we loved her so much. We had a memorial service here at church and then had to go a week later for her funeral in Los Angeles. It had been a stressful and exhausting 5 months of terminal illness caregiving Pattima in our home while also facing friction. I was filled with deep grief at her loss, while also trying to console my children who were crushed. In essence, I was crumbling with the weight of it all.
We had to go to Bangalore soon after despite the overwhelming grief and exhaustion to celebrate Peter’s parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. Despite an antagonistic relationship, we had been the main proponents of a joyous anniversary celebration to honor them and make them happy. We had to push ourselves to be there on time so as to help prep and pay for most of the two big celebrations they desired – but our grieving hearts cried for postponement. I am so glad we were able to put our grief aside to honor Peter’s parents. The grand celebrations beautifully brought many friends and family together filling them with great joy. We ofcourse had to pay a hefty change fee plus the extra cost of rebooking at last minute prices for our tickets. This was on the heels of last minute funeral tickets for the family to go to California.
As we were making all these changes, we realized that leaving Mum and Dad alone for the next month here in Redmond during the Christmas holidays while they were grieving would have been too overwhelming for them, especially for Mum. So we decided to buy them last minute India tickets and asked them to join us. We made sure we took care of all their needs there in Bangalore as we wanted to give them some joy and rest in an extremely hard grieving season for Mum. They were able to visit many of their older relatives on that trip which brought her great comfort. The trip was a balm to her hurting soul and they returned rejuvenated.
I am sure there must be other times we missed stepping out but this was one critical time we can see and be glad that we loved well on all sides, especially since we will never have such opportunities again. Looking back I don’t know how we pulled it all off in the midst of my own grief and stress along with comforting our kids in their grief and end of semester tests along with the financial pressure as we were living off only one income (Sandeep had just started college too)! Added to that, we desperately needed a family vacation as with elder-care responsibilities and virtual schooling, we had not taken any vacations in a long time and were very tired. Everything in me screamed rest, and pampering but thankfully love and duty won instead.
“Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice, we also know that somewhere, someone weeps. When we experience pain, we trust that someone else is being healed.” – Henri Nouwen
This experience has taught us many valuable life lessons, more so since we now walk in our parents’ shoes and we see the importance of giving and receiving loving care even more in this stage of life. That joy and sorrow can coexist and that making room for both in our hearts is important. That we can rejoice and celebrate with those who rejoice but that we must also sacrificially care for and weep with those who weep. May God continue to help us see our fellow human beings’ needs through His eyes. May we also learn to do good to those who hurt us even as we serve those who love us. May we daily die to self so we may live in love and service for that alone leads to eternal rewards. The time to care is now for tomorrow is not guaranteed. Reminder to self: I can truly love and selflessly serve only because He (Jesus) first loved me and served me by laying down His life for me! His resurrection power is mine to avail as I sacrificially serve.
